Sometimes Life is Hard

It’s been awhile, I know. I suppose I should apologize as it was never my intention to go more than a week without giving my readers something to read or look forward to.

I am consumed with everything that is going on in my life and the world.

There’s so much I want to say and yet, for me, it’s best to say nothing until I’ve had time to collect my thoughts, research both sides, outline my idea and then lay it all out.

I haven’t had time for that.

School. Work. Play.

School’s back in session…and I have absolutely no motivation to do it. I’ve even thought about dropping my class because I am just tired. I love the professor and I know the class will be great just because she’s teaching it, she’s that good, but I am tired. I am tired and Spring break was so nice. Two weeks of absolutely whatever I wanted. No schedule. No deadlines.

I worked endlessly in the garden for hours on end each day; driving T-Posts into the ground, stretching & attaching fence wire, digging fence post holes, building retaining walls, collecting rocks for the garden, playing in the yard with the boys, fighting blackberry bushes, raking piles into piles and then moving those piles again. It was an absolute joy to be covered in sweat, dirt, cuts & bruises. I wish the rain would stop so I could get back to building my fence, but I know the rain is also important for all the seedlings I am hoping will sprout in the next week or two, and it forces me to stop and take a break. Working outside is my cheap version of therapy. Sometimes digging a hole is the best kind of therapy I could ask for.

At the end of February, I interviewed for an incredible job opportunity. It’s the kind of job that one doesn’t ever see posted online. I thought I had it. Based on how the interview went and how the meeting ended, I really thought the odds were in my favor. I thought I’d be sharing with the world by now the good ending of all that. I was told to expect a call in about 4 weeks around the end of March. Now, I know that it’s only April 6th and for some it’s still close to the end of March, but my gut is telling me not to expect any good news anytime soon. It could be that I am just trying to prepare myself for the worst just in case, but I have a feeling that they’ve decided not to add me to the team. Now, while I am definitely disappointed with this news, I am also delighted. I decided I would be delighted either way. I wasn’t looking for a job but that was a job I would have loved and would’ve poured my heart into, while mastering a new trade. Not getting the job allows me to keep doing what I am doing. So, I’ll finish college & graduate this June, and I’ll keep building my fence and digging holes in the dirt, and raising my two little boys with all the love I have to give.

I guess the good news is I don’t have

to worry about ending up dull like Jack.

Love. Life. Family.

My husband and I celebrated 7 years together this month.

Our Meet-Cute Anniversary was this week and it’s the first time we’ve not done something special. We’ve been hit with that stomach bug recently and let me just say it’s not pretty. If you get it, I highly recommend, stocking up on Pepto-Bismol, toilet paper, Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, & Toast. Tonight for dinner we had scrambled eggs. My husband couldn’t eat much and I was afraid to give the boys something beyond that. They seemed to dig the eggs too so I was happy about that!

In addition to school, I am also going to physical therapy twice a week for my wrist… I know, I know…finally! It’s been amazing and I am so impressed with how much better my wrist feels every time I go. It’s definitely on the mend…though it’s still purple and I still haven’t had my EMG (Electromyography) done. That’s coming up in ten days we’ll see where we go from there.

My husband’s grandmother has dementia and our family is learning firsthand the horrors of what a horrible and unforgiving disease it is. Grammy has had type 1 diabetes for the last 50 plus years with little to no other issues, until now. We’re learning firsthand that Vascular Dementia and a lifetime of diabetes don’t go well together. It’s been a hard road and I know it’s going to get harder, but I can’t imagine what that even looks like. What I have learned is this:

No matter what you read or see, or think you know. Nothing and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for your own personal journey with a loved one who is diagnosed with dementia.

It helps to read everything and I mean everything you can find on the subject. I pour through articles hoping to gain insight or advice that is more than vague and generic. Unfortunately, no one can tell you what to do or when to do it and that’s the rub of it all. The other lesson I’ve learned thus far:

You will find a strength you didn’t even know you had.

You will stand when you want to fall.

You will hold it together when you want to cry.

You will be okay.

I know that’s probably hard to imagine but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the strength in others. A strength that wasn’t there before and is now. A strength that will hold you together until it’s okay to let go, even if only for a little while.

Tonight, as I was putting my Charlie boy to sleep, I thought silently to myself about all the things I needed to do before I could go to bed. I thought about Math homework, sweeping the floor, putting all the toys away, finishing up the dishes, maybe doing another load of laundry, etc. My list of To-Do’s is long and never ending as I suspect is the norm.

As I was attempting to get Charlie settled so I could get on with it…my sweet and sensitive little boy reminded me what was most important. He said, “Mama, I need you. I really need you now.”
So, forget about the dishes, the homework, the laundry, all of it, because all that mattered from that moment until my sweet boy fell asleep was being with him. All he wanted was his mama to be with him until he fell asleep and so of course if I get nothing else done tonight, I had the most heartwarming bedtime with my little guy. We read books, we said our prayers, and we talked and giggled until his beautiful blue eyes got heavy and he fell asleep with his little arms wrapped around my wrist. It was perfect.

What’s Going on in the World Today?

My MIL and I were talking recently about all the things going on in our lives. Each of us thinking about our different struggles and our own unique battles and we decided: Life is Hard.

Life is full of so many awesome things and we’re blessed and we’re loved but even when we have all of that sometimes it’s just nice to admit that man, this stuff is hard!

I wont’ say much about the following but it’s on my mind and I will have much more to say in an upcoming (who can say when that will be) post. It’s so easy to get caught up in my bubble and ignore what’s going on in the rest of the world. School shootings continue to happen, Gun Bans are being implemented and enforced, Bullying continues and I have so many thoughts on the subjects I could just burst!

What would you like to hear about most? Let me hear your thoughts and suggestions, and perhaps I’ll write that article first!

P.S. I have been working tirelessly as a contributor on a nutrition project that I am super excited about. So, while I haven’t been writing my own thoughts lately, I have been writing and will continue to do so. I’ve been cooking and taking pictures and writing and promise to make more time for my passion project – my Emerald & Evergreen and YOU.

Keep reading & dreaming, keep living & loving, and keep being YOU.


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